My Esteemed Colleague Volume II

In a perfect world, I could share the following list with my Esteemed Colleague. Actually, in a perfect world I wouldn't NEED to. Here are a few... pointers ... that would greatly improve my office experience.

1. When you have already told a story, it is not necessary to include said story within another story if both stories are told within five minutes.

2. If you're on the phone in an office and everyone is within hearing range of your desk (and competent to stand trial) you do not need to take your coworkers through both sides of the conversation after the phone call ends.

3. If you've clearly written the necessary changes for a document right on the document itself, there is no need to waste any time walking me through said changes. If I have any questions, I'll ask.

4. If I continually reply "ok" to everything you said, it's quite possible that I'm completely uninterested in whatever you're talking about and it would be common courtesy to just shut it.

5. When you come up with a funny response, it doesn't increase the level of humor to repeat it six times. On the contrary, it makes it LESS funny. So, don't do it!

6. It doesn't serve any purpose to hum in a monotone-I've-been-smoking-since-I-started-breathing-on-my-own-and-I-sound-like-a-man voice. I'll just leave it at that.

7. No means no. If you ask me if I need a note back and I say, "No." there is no need to continue to describe what the note says and rephrase the question to make sure. After you ask AGAIN, despite the fact that I have made myself crystal clear, as I repeat myself please know that it takes all the restraint I possess not to pick my chair up and hurl it at you. I DON'T NEED THE DINGDANG NOTE. THROW IT OUT BEFORE I HURT YOU.

8. No one wants to hear about the time you tied your ex-husband to the bed and beat him with a hairbrush. Well, no one but your therapist. Leave that story at home or please make it attorney/client privilege.

9. Speaking of things we don't want to hear about, please leave your body issues at the door. You're not skinny, but you're not fat and I don't want to spend the better part of the day helping you feel better about yourself. If you don't like the way you look, do something constructive about it and start eating better and wearing pants that don't give you a camel toe.

10. When you come in in the morning I know you're not in a good mood, but would it kill you to pretend? Many times I've had a horrendous weekend or day but when you ask me about it, do I go into detail? No. I say, "Good! How was yours?" because that's the amount of depth I like to have in my relationships with colleagues.